The (Self) Love Languages
Written by Samantha Navata and Teri Ramos
When you are down, would you rather receive words of encouragement or a tight hug? If you are stressing over finals week, would you feel more touched if your friend offered to help you understand your lessons better without any hesitation or if they bought you your favorite coffee without you telling them to do so? Does it greatly bother you when someone is using their phone from time to time or preoccupied with other things while talking to you? These are some situations that illustrate how love can be shown and understood in different ways. The concept behind this is based from Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love languages. These love languages are known as physical touch, words of affirmation, gift-giving, acts of service, and quality time. Oftentimes, they are understood in the context of romantic relationships, but many people fail to realize that they can also be applied to ourselves and our friends. During these times of uncertainties, it is important to know and practice our own love language/s to ourselves especially now that we are all confined in our own homes. This may not be that easy, but these practices can help improve our well-being.
The first love language is physical touch, in which we want to feel self-love. It is disheartening how this pandemic has restricted us from giving and receiving hugs from our friends and loved ones. However, we can still practice this love language by cuddling the pets we have at home. Another way could be using the butterfly hug to our own selves by crossing our hands across our chests; then, we should slowly tap our hands alternately. This is an effective calming technique that can be used when we are feeling stressed or anxious (Wellness, 2020).
The second love language is words of affirmation, in which we want to think of self-love. One way to do this is by using powerful words, such as “I am, I can, and I will,” in expressing or affirming ourselves. It can empower us to believe in who we truly are and what we believe in even though we are currently struggling with our own problems (Lam, 2020). Another way to practice this love language is through journaling in which we can make it a habit to list at least 3 things that we are grateful for each day. In relation to this, we should learn how to celebrate small victories since these can build up the confidence we have in ourselves.
The third love language is gift-giving, in which we absorb or accept self love. A common misconception about this love language is that it is often seen to be focused on materialism when in fact it can be a simple yet well thought of gift for the person. One way to apply this love language in relation to self love is to treat or reward ourselves from time to time. An instance could be giving in to our cravings, whether it is milk tea, wings, or ramen after a stressful hell week. Also, maybe it is time to finally buy the things that have been added to your Shopee cart for months. Another way could also be investing in our own interests. If we are into photography or arts, it would be good to buy quality materials and enroll in online courses that will enrich and enhance our skills in the field we truly enjoy.
The fourth love language is acts of service, in which we do self-love. We can do this by cleaning our own room or study areas. This will greatly affect how we work, especially our mindset when we try to finish tasks. Another way could be cooking our favorite meal. Doing this will sustain our energy and at the same time, we have time off from academics. Also, we do ourselves a big favor if we limit our time on social media. Exposing ourselves to see other’s best especially when we are at our worst is not ideal since this can be a cause of negative energy such as ruminating and wishful thinking.
The fifth love language is quality time, in which we are present with self-love. This means “spending uninterrupted, and undistracted quality time” (Lentz, 2020). Despite the stress of school, it is important to find some leisure time. This can be done by planning your breaks. As such, we shouldn’t be thinking of our backlogs at this time in order to fully enjoy doing our hobbies. This can include watching Netflix shows or reading our favorite books. Another good way to practice this love language is reflecting since we get to fully be present and immerse ourselves at the present time. It is also important to know that we can also spend quality time with other people such as catching up or studying with our friends in discord or any other online platforms.
Now that all of the five love languages are listed, it is also important to take note of the concept of primary love language or one’s one of the five languages that conveys love and resonates most effectively for you. In other words, our primary love language can also mean the best way we can give love to ourselves (Estrada, 2020). To easily figure this out, you may try The 5 Love Languages’ quiz here.
Learning how you like to receive love gives you the power to actually practice giving this love back to yourself. In other words, your love language can be your self-love language. All the aforementioned activities you can do to practice that love language to yourself unwittingly leads us to the concept of self-love. Self-love is the foundation that helps us set boundaries, allow us to be assertive, and create healthy relationships with others, and many more, but most importantly, practice self-care (Martin, 2019). In actuality, one of the things in life that we tend to overlook is ourselves and this happens in different aspects and ways such as giving our all to others to the extent that we leave ourselves empty, focusing on doing everything right, and more. In short, we strive to please other people more than ourselves and most likely to strive for perfection. Failing to achieve these things can lead one to self-sabotage by neglecting your own feelings and your own value. Realistically, it is hard to deny the inevitability of these actions given that humans really tend to aspire for perfection, however, it is important to acknowledge that we have our own limits. Acknowledging these limits can help you move away from perfection and start appreciating your self-worth, a feeling that you know that you deserve better. In this way, you are able to start listening to yourself, allowing the concept of self-love to cave in.
There are other ways that self-love can breed a new you such as the following (Hammond, n.d.):
- Using mindful practices such as meditation, you accept yourself and you value your existence. Mindfulness means that you are conscious of the present moment, and you love yourself, regardless of the chaos that might surround you.
- With mindfulness, you begin to care about and satisfy your physical, psychological, and spiritual needs. You will take better care of yourself, finding health and peace. This increases your capacity to succeed in your environment at home and work. Your needs are met, so you are able to work efficiently.
- As you work and give to others, you develop respect for yourself as a valuable individual within a community. You see the interconnected relationships that you have with other people and see yourself as a great person who has a lot to offer a community that you value.
- These changes push you toward the growth and maturity that are necessary to be a healthy, functioning adult. You find yourself taking on new and challenging tasks and pushing yourself to develop the talents you possess.
- With maturity comes competence, which means that you increase your capacity to accomplish difficult tasks. Your respect, maturity, and love increase your potential to perform beyond what you thought possible. You are able to do more, and perform better than in the past. The tasks are not easier, but your ability to perform competently is empowered.
- As you prove to yourself that you can act competently in the world, you acquire self-confidence, a knowledge that you can handle whatever obstacles you might confront.
- Competence and self-confidence make security for you and your loved ones possible, a necessity for a happy adult life. You feel secure as a human being, and you know that you can provide for your family.
- You have moved to an advanced level of human development where you can feel empathy for other human beings in your community and the world. This is a tremendous power to sense and feel the emotions of others.
- When you feel the emotions that others experience, their pain and pleasure, you learn how to love someone else. Empathy draws you close to people, making it possible to truly know them. You love other people because you care about their emotional wellbeing and happiness. You are now looking outside yourself to other people, an essential step.
- Directing your love from your center outward to the world, you find the secret that all humans search for. Loving and serving other people gives you fulfillment and makes happiness possible. You act out of love for yourself and others, and at this point you can accomplish anything you desire.
These love languages teach us the love we prefer to receive, however it also teaches us the best love we can give to ourselves. No matter how we crave for other people’s love, nothing is more empowering than the love we can give to ourselves. We are all capable of loving ourselves as much as we are capable of loving others. Learning to love yourself, overall, is not easy. Self-love is not a linear process and is dynamic, but once you learn to love yourself, life dramatically falls into place and you develop a happy and healthy life.
Now that you have reached the end of this article, have you figured out your love language yet? Do you have any ideas or plans on how you want to date and spend time with yourself? We hope you do since self-love is a challenging yet one of the most rewarding experiences you can give yourself especially during these times.
References
Estrada, J. (2020, September 1). How to use your self-love language to prioritize your own needs. Well+Good. https://www.wellandgood.com/self-love-language/
Hammond, D. L. (n.d.). 10 superpowers you gain as you learn to love yourself. Lifehack. https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-superpowers-you-gain-you-learn-love-yourself.html
Lam, D. (2020, September 22). The five love languages: How to care for yourself using your own love language. Tatler Philippines. https://ph.asiatatler.com/life/self-care-five-love-languages
Lentz, M. (2020, February 6). Discovering your self-care love language. My Beautiful Mess. https://mybeautifulmess.net/2020/02/06/discovering-your-self-care-love-language/
Martin, S. (2019, May 31). What is self-love and why is it so important? Psych Central. https://www.psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2019/05/what-is-self-love-and-why-is-it-so-important#What-is-self-love?
Wellness, S. (2020, March 28). The butterfly hug: How to feel better right now. Skyterra Wellness. https://skyterrawellness.com/wellness/the-butterfly-hug-how-to-feel-better-right-now/
